SEX NEWS – AMERICA’S GUILTIEST PLEASURE

The All New WORLDS BEST TITS

Fellas – I came out of retirement in an effort to make sure you all get a personal handful of the newest (and oldest) set of the Worlds Best Tits…

If, when you see this video of Pamela Anderson, you think of or focus on anything other than how fantastic this woman’s luscious & blessed fake ta-ta’s would be, nuzzled against your cranium–you’re not a man.

I don’t care how hard she’s been worked over by Tommy–and everyone else that’s had a Rolling Stone cover, these can’s make me want to get on my knees and thank the Lord that I’m a man.

Hey Friend, Ready To See Jennifer Anniston’s Vagina?

Dudes, I’ve got to be honest–while I love going balls deep on a vagina, the sight of one just doesn’t do anything for me. Vagina’s are not pretty. Vagina’s are kind of like newborn babies. We say that they’re beautiful, like to smell them, but at the end of the day…we know they’re just ugly.

Here’s Jen’s vajazz you horny fuckers. It looks like she has panties on..but most are claiming not.

 

Also, if you’re really starving for some celebrity vertical taco–check out former ER actress Juliana Margulies’s snatch.  While I’d love to bang her–there’s something wrong with that vagina. Look..

Remembering Lohan’s Tits

It’s Friday, so can we just forget all the drama with Lindsay’s dad and her monster-like, gorilla-esque lesbian lover, and just focus on her tits. That’s really what’s important, right?

Yeah, it’s an old picture–but we’re dudes. And tits never get old.

Last, what if Lindsay was a midget–and she wanted to do this to you?

Dirty Sex With Tara Reid

Fellas, if you’re like me, you’re tired of Tara Reid getting a bad rap for being a party girl. The tabloids blasted the actress for partying in Vegas a week ago while debuting her new clothing line, “Mantra.”

Uh, hello…this is exactly the kind of Tara Reid we want. We’re idiots if we don’t appreciate a girl who’s only goal in life is to party and have a good time. Take a good, close look at this girl.

That’s a woman who will swallow a bottle of Jack, take it in the ass, and then 30 seconds later, smoke the same pole that was just in her pooper. I love her. Two words: brilliant actress. Bizarre nipples though,

World’s HOTTEST Tits PART 2

I thought Keeley Hazell’s tits couldn’t get any hotter than this–But I was wrong.

Nuts Magazine out of the UK has taken some new pics of her…

You see fellas, this is what I’m talking about when it comes to women. If I could wake up every day next to this…and fuck someone like Keeley every morning and every night–I wouldn’t bitch about a thing. Really. Sure you’re saying “Oh, you’d get tired of her eventually too.” But, I don’t think so.

I would even enjoy listening to her poop.

If you want to see more of this shoot…check this out

I Got A Blowjob From A Midget

I got a blowjob in my car last night from a midget.

I’m not necessarily proud of it–but I feel as if it’s my duty to share it with you. Why? Because I’m a dude–and that’s what we do–we share blowjob stories because…well, we can.  Especially when it’s dealing with a Jewish midget. Yes, a Jewish midget. Mazel Tov to me. And, by the way, I have no use in my life for being politically correct–so, she’s not a “little person,” she’s a midget.

Now technically, as far as I know, she doesn’t live her life as a “midget.” Her name is Mina, she’s 4′9″–is a redhead, and has 36dd titties. Yes, this midget had enormous juggernots–big girl boobs–with the biggest nipples a boy has ever seen. Ever noticed the earpieces on your Ipod? One size bigger, and those were her nipples.  And, if those nipples had been playing Dave Matthews when I saw them, I might have married her.

But, I barely knew her. In fact, I shit you not, I met her last night on a dating site that I used to belong to. Used to belong to are the operative words. You see, when you belong, you can (obviously) send chicks messages if they’re online as well. It didn’t seem to matter last night, because at 11:33PM–an instant message was sent to me…from the midget. Now fellas, lets be honest. When a woman sends you an instant message at that time–that means she wants to get a vajazz full of manhood. Ok, maybe I’m shooting a little high–but she wants something. And, although it ain’t dinner and a movie she desires–she for sure wants her popcorn buttered in some capacity.

The midget had her webcam hooked up to the site–which was genius. Unfortunately, though, the live feed made her look like one of the creatures from Lord Of The Rings. Yeah, this midget was a mess. It became quite a dilemma: I thought, do I love super-human tits enough to keep talking to this creature, who was starting more and more to look like Yoda? Yes. The answer is yes. Sorry, but I have a dick–and he was leading the pussy parade last night.

We “instant messaged” for about 7 minutes–and in that time I learned something so wonderful that I nearly pee’d myself. Mina the Midget only lived 2 miles from me. Now, here’s where my genius comes in. First and foremost, I’m not a bad looking guy. I’m actually a handsome dude…non-threatening.. and pretty much know the things to say to a chick in this situation to make her know that I’m a safe dude. And, really, I am. Instead of telling the midget that I’m starving for a blowjob–I simply tell her we should meet for a “makeout.’ BUT, in addition to that, I immediately say that we should meet in a “public place” just in case she wants to kill me. You see, you turn the tables on them–basically taking THEIR FEARS, and adopting them as your own. Any women in this situation fears the same shit.

Without hesitation, and with almost ZERO resistance, she tells ME that I can trust her, gives me her street (not specific address), and tells me where to park. So, I put on my shirt, do the “ball smell test,” and get in my car.

Of course, I haven’t mentioned yet that it’s Labor Day weekend–and my car was just detailed because I was getting rid of it the next day (on Labor Day). The lease is up in a month, and it’s time to move on to bigger and better. And, being the OCD dude that I am–there was a small part of me that feared doing anything to ruin a car that was in mint condition. FYI, in 3 years nobody had ever sat in my back seat, the “new car” tags were still tied to the metal of the headrest (I just like the idea that the car “feels” new), and the glove compartment was only opened 3 times. Call it OCD–I like to call it “clean.”

Ok..I finally get to the midget’s street. I park the car and sit for a minute. I don’t see her.

So I wait.

3 minutes later I see the smallest woman with the largest tits waddle out of the driveway. Fuck was she tiny. Really really small. Man, did I have a doozy on my hands. It was bizarre because I couldn’t get myself to drive away, and I couldn’t get myself to get out of the car. Then, I thought about titty fucking her…and that encouraged me to get out of the car. Amazing what a set of tits will do for me.

I walked up to this woman. And like a scene from a porno, without a word being said, Mina the Midget grabbed me by the arm, brought me down to her level, and just started making out with me. Yup, I was making out with a midget. I mean really really making out with a midget.

Really really really making out with a midget…a midget…. who had AWFUL breath.

Wow. Maybe that’s something we don’t know about midgets. That shit was potent. At this point, all I could think of was the Trident in my car. So here I was, making out with a midget, cupping her enormous midget breasts–and all I could think of was “Must-get-to-car.”

And then it happened…

The midget grabbed my dick. Slipped her stubby little hands right down my pants and grabbed my hard schvantz. Yup, it was on.

Now before I go on–please remember that WE HAVEN”T SAID A WORD TO EACH OTHER. Was it possible that I could actually get through this entire sexual escapade without saying a word to this woman? Oh, I think so…

After the dick grab–we kept making out, but were walking towards the car. It was kind of like she was attached to me like “Mango” from Saturday Night Live. Or, if you’ve ever seen Michael Jackson carrying around his monkey like its his child–it appeared just like that. She was stuck to me like as if I was a zoo attendant.

We got to the car–and somehow her awful breath illuminated the car immediately. I couldn’t tell her  to chew a piece because it would’ve definitely screwed up what was about to happen. So, while still in makeout mode, I found my gum, took one out blindly, and stuck in my mouth. Genius. Everyone had fresh breath now.

Apparenly not everyone appreciates fresh breath…so I thought.

The midget opened her door and walked out.

Oh no, she wasn’t leaving–she was coming around to the passenger side. STILL, without a word exchanged, the midget grabbed my hand, removed me from the drivers seat, and GOT ON HER FUCKING KNEES under the steering wheel. I shit you not. To make this even more amazing, I drive a sports car. Not as small as a Porsche–but not much bigger on the drivers side. At this point she finally speaks up and says, “get back in.”

So, I got back in–found a way to get my legs around her Webster-esque body, and sat there as she took her top off, undid her bra, and then unzipped my jeans and took my dick out.

And then the blowjob began.

This midget not only sucked my johnson but slapped my manhood in between her gigantic tits all while sitting under the steering wheel of my car. It was amazing. It was like roadhead with no road, and in no time I began to get anxiety as to where I was going to blow my load. (I meant for that to rhyme by the way.)

I mean, this car was in the shape of its life. It was sparkling clean. If one ounce of semen flew astray, I’d have been screwed. Not to mention it would’ve been a disaster for my OCD. So, I spoke up.

I say to the midget, “Where do you want me to cum?”

She responds with ”Anywhere but my mouth.” Fuck, I think. “Fuck” because I now I have to find a place to unload–and “fuck” because her blowjob was so fucking good that I didn’t have much time. And, to make matters worse, everytime she put my dick between her tits it was like giving a drug-addict more of exactly what he needs to get high.

So, in emergency fashion, I took off my t-shirt, (thankfully not one of my favorites), placed it on stomach as a “load-bib,”  and within 4 seconds let one fly that would even make Ron Jeremy say “wow.”

Yup, it was over. I think that took all of about 3 mintues. Now, I had to figure out how to get this midget out from under my steering wheel, get rid of this cum-filled t-shirt, and get the fuck outta dodge without having to touch this girl any more than I had too. Yeah, its amazing the feelings that take over us men the second we shoot our loads. I didn’t want any more part of her.

So, I opened the door, let her out, handed her my cum-shirt, shut the door, put the key in my ignition, and took the fuck off.

Yeah, that was an asshole move. But, I bet nobody else has gotten a blowjob from a total stranger where only 14 words were exchanged.

I’m gonna miss that car. And that t-shirt.

Amy Winehouse’s Vagina

…smells like vomit. Vomit that has been sitting in cat litter which has been lodged in Rosie O’Donnell’s fat ass. As you can see from past post’s, I’m obsessed with this train wreck.

If there is one dude out there that can honestly say he’d eat Amy’s pussy, or even be able to masturbate to her, I will send you $1. Only one dollar because I know there are some nasty motherfuckers out there.

By the way, the way she’s gripping that microphone stand is the way she yanks on balls. She has to hold on like that because she’s about to pass out.

Palin, Obama, and The McCain’s: Dirty Sex In The Oval Orfice

Fellas…because it’s our job to think about vaginas all day, everyday, it’s high time that we address a very important issue.

When it comes to Girl on Girl sex, of the political kind, what would you rather see:

Cindy & Michelle? (You know Michelle loves to eat pussy)

 

 

Sarah & Cindy? (Sarah’s the dominant one–she’d make Cindy hook up the strap-on)

 

Michelle & Sarah? (Sarah’s for sure taking a tongue in the poop shoot)

 

Or how about giving up your voting rights for the rest of your life for one night of balls deep on McCains daughter, Meghan?

I think if we were playing Jeopardy–the answer would be: What is choice #4, for $100 Alex?

Sarah Palin LOVES It Doggy-Style

Ok, that’s not documented–but look at the Republican Vice-Presidential choice (and cougar) very closely..

If the first thing you imagine isn’t banging her from behind while pulling her pony-tail, well than you’re no dude. And, we KNOW she loves to fuck. She’s got five kids.

I won’t vote for her, but I’d for sure go balls deep.